PhenoAge

What doesn't measure your bounce-back better than a built-in biological scoreboard? Of course, life is a marathon, not a sprint, even if you've decided to give up sugar for sixty days. "PhenoAge is my new best friend, right after green juice. It's validating all the battle scars I’ve conquered."

Here we go again—another biomarker claiming it can tell you when you'll turn into a skeleton based on blood tests. You'd think we're all dying for some pseudo-intellectual big data illusions, but alas, we aren't all biology professors. "When someone tells me their PhenoAge, I tell them to take a few deep breaths—for meditation, not hyperventilation."

Who needs clinical trials when you've got a tape measure for your life staring at you through a computer? In my day, life expectancy was a good guess and a healthy pair of lungs. "I got confused when they mentioned PhenoAge, but then I realized I should have just stuck with knitting and letting nature take its course."