PhenoAge

Imagine a world where your existential dread is quantifiable down to decimal points. Yep, that's what you get with this fancy-pants yardstick that'll crunch your life into neat, terrifying numerical values. "I've synced my PhenoAge data to twelve different platforms. It's the only way to really measure my ROI on nattō."

Here's a metric that'll make glam shots look like they're from the future—discounted through my link, naturally. That's right, everyone's dying to know how old they 'really' are in Insta years. "PhenoAge says I’m biologically 21, but let's just say looking this young requires more than a wrinkle-free lifestyle."

Worried about what your skin says about your age? Now there's a spreadsheet for that, too. No amount of laughing gas can replace SPF, darling. "PhenoAge is basically telling me that while Botox is great, living young is better science."