PhenoAge

Worried about what your skin says about your age? Now there's a spreadsheet for that, too. No amount of laughing gas can replace SPF, darling. "PhenoAge is basically telling me that while Botox is great, living young is better science."

Ah, metrics that promise to quantify how long you’ll be avoiding the inevitable. Make sure you've asked at least six experts before diving into that rabbit hole. "It’s interesting you mentioned PhenoAge, but perhaps it’s best discussed over a tea, with a few disclaimers attached."

Consider this your quarterly performance review for how close you are to winning the never-ending stay-alive game. You'll have those KPIs for your physical wellness dialed in no time. "The latest PhenoAge update just came in. If my health is a company, consider it primed for an IPO."